Where Do I Belong?

I turned 30 this year. After spending three decades in this world, you’d think I would have figured out my place on this planet; my purpose; my reason for being. But nope, still clueless. If it’s any consolation to myself, some people search their whole life for that answer, so time is still on my side, right?

The very start of something new is always the best. There’s the adrenaline that keeps you all pumped up and raring to go, the boom of excitement that shakes and propels you forward, and most of all, the hope that that something new would be the purpose of your being. But what happens when the journey towards your goal is filled with obstacles, so much so that every forward step you take leads you two steps back? What happens when the falling rocks from the summit knock you off your feet, and you find it tough to pick yourself up for fear of getting hit again? Are the rocks signs from the heavens telling you to give up? Or do I have to squeeze out every single bit of courage that I have remaining to stand up and face those demons?

And then the question comes, the one that I’m most afraid of answering, “Do you really think that THIS is the purpose of your being?” Is having a passion for something and actually having the ability to pursue that passion really two worlds apart? Can that ability be learned? Do I have the potential to perform at my best to excel at this passion of mine?

Perhaps only time can tell me the answers to those questions. Maybe it’s time I really learn how to be patient. It’s a long and arduous journey ahead, but I’m already tired at the beginning. So maybe I’ll take a rest today, but tomorrow, tomorrow a new battle begins, and new beginnings are supposed to be the best, right?

“Today I am not in my skin. My body cannot contain me. I am spilling out and over, like a rogue wave on the shore. Today I can’t keep myself from feeling like I don’t have a friend in the world. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to pick myself up off the floor. My demons are lying in wait, they are grinning in the shadows, their polished fangs glinting, knowing today, it will be an easy kill. But tomorrow, tomorrow could be different, and that is what keeps me going today.” – Lang Leav

On another note, the festive season is here once again! It seems like I’m excited about that right, with the exclamation mark and all. But typed words are deceiving really. So to be honest, I’m totally not into the festivities this year. In previous years, I’d be all “making a list, checkin’ it twice…”, but this year’s list is of a totally unrelated matter lol, and the only Christmas shopping I’ve done so far were mainly for the little children in my life and the very close friends and colleagues. Just am not feeling it this year. Sigh. Is it because I’m getting old?