Saying Goodbye

Last week was quite an emotional week for the family as we bid goodbye to Ah Ma. She left us, early afternoon, on the 25th of November 2013. Earlier that morning, Chow Mimi had, as per her usual weekly routine, gone to visit her (Ah Ma lived at a nursing home, and why it came to be that way, is a story with characters comparable to a Hong Kong drama serial). That morning however, Ah Ma started gasping for air and that was when doctors said she didn't have long, but told the family to go home first because they can't tell exactly how long as well. A few minutes after reaching home from the visit, Chow Mimi got the call that Ah Ma could not hold on any longer, and she rushed back to the nursing home again, only to find out that Ah Ma had already gone.

The consolation, if any, was that Chow Mimi did manage to say her goodbyes that morning, telling Ah Ma not to worry. All we hope is that when she left, she did so with fairly little pain and suffering.

It's one of the most heartbreaking scenes in life, seeing a family member you've known your whole life, lying lifeless on the bed. They may look like they're just sleeping peacefully, but somehow, something seems different and that's when that sense of loss and unwillingness to let go hits you.

Ah Ma and I weren't as close as I'd have hoped to be. My fondest memories was of her coming to our house over the weekends when I was younger to look after my brother and I when my parents went across the causeway to play golf. She would hold my hand, and take me out to buy lunch. Though few words were spoken (why is my whole family such introverts??), it was something that I enjoyed because she lived with my uncle on the other side of the island, and so that was precious time I got to spend with my Ah Ma.

When Ah Gong left us in 1995, the whole family was in shock because he was such a healthy and sporty person. While I was still fairly young then, I could sense that Ah Ma's life was never the same again after he left, especially with the bullying she had to put up, simply because she was a traditionalist and believed that it's only right that she stayed with her eldest son. All Chow Mimi could do was to be her listening ear, and tearing at times at the stories she would hear of her own mother's suffering and unhappiness.

At the final farewell, as Ah Ma's coffin slowly made its way to the crematorium and we were watching from above, all I could think of was the regrets I had of not spending more time with her, or making the effort to form a closer relationship with her. And seeing Chow Mimi break down at that moment, was heart-wrenching and something I don't wish for even for my closest enemies. As the pastor aptly said, "Every death is a lesson for the living." So my hope is that we all cherish the living, cherish whatever time we have on this Earth and start living. I mean really start living your life fully - pick up that hobby you've always wanted to pick up but was 'busy' so you never really got down to it, tell someone you love them before it's too late, travel and explore the nooks and crannies of this world (something I really need to do and conquer my fear of plane rides!)...

阿公，阿嬷，希望你们现在，无论身在哪儿，都是开开心心，无忧无虑，无痛无病。Till we meet again. :)